Well... I'm up again and in for another sleepless night. I'm going to be so tired at work tomorrow. I can't tell you how much it sucks having these throat problems. I lay down and feel like I'm going to be just fine and then suddenly a wake up with a dry mouth and throat, trouble breathing and swallowing and I'm up. Then I hate going back to sleep. I feel like I could die in my sleep one of these times and that thought scares me to death.

I found out the other day that Dad Hancock came home from the hospital finally. I've been meaning to write about this for over a week now and with the newspaper layout last week I've just had no time to update the blog.

The day I found out Kevins Dad was put in the hospital brought back way too many bad memories about losing my Dad. I can't believe it's been nearly six years since we lost Dad. I think about him alot and I miss so much the comfort of just having his presence nearby gave to us all. This would have been such an important time for him and Mom to be able to spend time together and I wish there were some way I could help her to feel less lonely. I know she tries so hard to fill that void with having Jeff and I around, but I also know that can't really help. We aren't Dad. I just want the last years of her life to be happy years with her family filled with good memories of the times she and Dad had.

So now the closest person to a Dad I still have was being put into ICU and it was scary. I hated having to work a regular job that day. Before I could have just dropped everything and left to be with Kevin and Dani and his family but with the commitments I now have to keep I didn't have that luxury. I didn't make it to the Mckay Dee until almost 10pm that night. Kev looked horrible but he was trying really hard to hold it together. I nearly broke down when I gave Mom Hancock a hug but I kept it together myself. It wasn't until Kev, Dani and I went off into the waiting area down the hall to be alone that I was able to hug Kev and break down a little.

I hurt because I love Dale Hancock so much. He is a man who has faced years of living with a horrible disease, confined to a wheelchair and bed much of the time, yet he worked harder than most healthy men I know. Dale always treated me like one of his kids and made me feel welcome and I know he and my Dad both admired and thought very highly of each other. I hurt also because of the memories it brought back of my Dads death but more because I didn't want to see Kevin have to go through the same pain I've had to go through. And then because of Mom Hancock who I know would be lost without Dale.

It felt good to cry and get that out, then to just sit and talk with Dani and Kev. My heart went out to his brothers as well, especially Kyle. Of all of Kevins brothers Kyle was the one who always seemed closest to me next to Kev and right now he was also the one that was taking things the hardest. Nothing makes a man stronger than the ability to show his emotions in a time like this. To see these 4 brothers breaking down over their fathers bed, this is a man who is truly loved by his family, just as my father was.

When they let us in to see Dale he looked far better than I imagined which filled me with relief. I as honored to help annoint him for a priesthood blessing with Kevins uncle. It's been awhile since I've taken part in a blessing and I felt strongly that this was not the time for Dale to go and that he had more to accomplish on this earth. I think sharing that feeling with Colleen made her feel so much better. When it was my turn to say something to Dale I leaned over and held his hand and said, "You can't go yet Dale, your the last Dad I've got!" He smiled at me and said he wasn't going anywhere.

So this was at least over a week ago since this all went down and thankfully he's home, safe and sound and hopefully feeling much better by now. I know God was definitely watching over this family.

I miss my Dad... I wish he was asleep in the next room with Mom right now snoring away. Sometimes I fall asleep on the couch in the afternoon and I dream he's just coming home from work and that he comes in to say hello to me and talk to me like he used to when he would come home from work each day. Often I wake up from these dreams really believing its true and then I realize it was a dream and I'm so disappointed. Mom says she never dreams about him and she wishes she would. I wish she could too.

Well... enough for tonight. I'm going to attempt sleep once again. Pray that I can get some.